Stigmatized
by Hitaka
Summary: Homura angsting about the love he can't have... Or something. Based on The Calling's Stigmatized. R&R!


A/N: I never imagined my first Gensomaden Saiyuki fic would be a song fic. Or maybe it's the other way around. I dunno. Anyway, it's a fic about Homura (Gah, a fic about a man.), to someone he really loves but has to let go. Yes, my explanation was vague, but what the heck. I wrote this fic for Hinata though. (Asahi, Homura's all yours now. Yours and Kai's, anyway.) R&R!

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and everything related to it belong to some guy I don't know. The song Stigmatized belongs to The Calling.

Stigmatized

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If I give up on you, I give up on me

I stared at her as she slept, my eyes never moving away from her slumbering form. I drank in the lines of her fragile form, half-hidden under the blanket I've longed to share for so long. I slowly moved my hand to touch her face, knowing this would be the last time I could express how I felt without inhibitions, yet I held back, afraid to disturb her. She was probably dreaming of him...

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If we fight what's true, will we ever be

I had known it was never meant to be. She had known too, but she never showed any sign, never told me she had known long before I ever did. I didn't care, though. I loved her. Did it matter that she was human?

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Even God Himself and the faith I knew

It was taboo to fall in love with 'one of them.' I'd never understood why. If there were a woman like her for every god in Heaven, they would all subject themselves to the inevitability of death as a mortal. I loved her for it. But it was wrong. I knew why now.

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Shouldn't hold me back, shouldn't keep me from you

I wanted so dearly to lash out at God, to condemn my so-called equals for subjecting me to this fate. I will love whom I choose to love, I thought. Why should they care? I am neither god nor human. I am an outcast, impure, to be forever damned by those who deem themselves superior for being pure. Wasn't taking Rinrei away enough? Was I never to love whom I chose? In desperation, I told her everything, but...

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Tease me, by holding out your hand

She wounded me, stabbed my soul, by telling me that she loved someone else. Another human, no less.

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Then leave me, or take me as I am

She, knowing how much I loved her, shed tears of pity for me as she said that. She didn't cry for me because we had to part. When I realized that, I wept as well, misery flowing from my eyes.

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And live our lives, stigmatized

I weep even now, at her bedside, teardrops slowly dropping to the floor. I clenched my fists in anger and confusion. I couldn't say whether she really loved me or not. Maybe everything I'd believed was a lie. But, as much as I'd like to try and understand everything, I couldn't. I had to leave her. She had to go on, and I...

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I can feel the blood rushing through my veins

I felt my fists tighten. My nails dug into my palms, and blood flowed freely, mingling with my tears on the cold floor. I staggered and cursed softly, knowing that losing too much blood was dangerous. I felt for the scars on my wrists and, as waves of pain, pain that could never compare to what I felt, washed over me, I slowly stood up. I didn't have much time to live, but pangs of loss and guilt will stab me for all of time. Physical pain didn't matter anymore.

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When I hear your voice driving me insane

I continued staring at her, and I remembered her voice. I longed to hear her sing to me again. I yearned for her gentle laugh, her voice that could put a choir of angels to shame. Yet she slumbered on, undisturbed in her own light-filled world. The light-filled world I would never see, not now, not ever.

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Hour after hour, day after day

I went on watching her, waiting for her to open those deep, penetrating orbs she had for eyes, but she kept them closed, hidden from me. I took a chair and sat on it, never taking my gold and sapphire eyes off her. I waited. And waited. And waited.

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Every lonely night that I sit and pray

I had pined countless sleepless nights for someone like her. The agony I felt over losing Rinrei would never leave me, but I believed that, if I found someone else, someone who would love me as much as Rinrei did... Then...

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Tease me, by holding out your hand

Then some happiness would come into this life of mine. The life I was forced to live. A life without Rinrei. A life without...

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Then leave me, or take me as I am

I sighed ruefully. She shifted and moaned softly. Then all was silent.

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And live our lives, stigmatized

The silence made me want to scream in anguish. I wanted to see more signs of her knowing I was there. They never came.

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We live our lives on different sides

The silence made me think though. She was so different from Rinrei. Rinrei, who never knew more than a life within peaceful and extremely dull Heaven, was naïve and innocent. On the other hand, the lithe form on the bed before me had been through too much, too fast. One might say she complimented me as a warrior quite well, but I digress. Yes, she was strong outside, but weak within.

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But we keep together, you and I

Despite all that, my love for her knew no bounds. Her inner frailty made me want to protect her all the more. I wanted to shield her from... everything.

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Just live our lives, stigmatized

Yes, I wanted so much... Too much. Never to be able to have what I long for, after everything I've done... After doing nothing to be entitled to anything like this... Have I been born with such disgrace?

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We'll live our lives, we'll take the punches everyday

Yes, I have been shamed. But she loved me. In spite of everything, she saw right through the barriers I had put up around my soul, and showed me how colorful life could be. We could have stayed together. We could have defied both Heaven and Earth, and everything... Everything would have been worth it. My life would not have been in vain.

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We'll live our lives, I know we're gonna find our way

But... Had we gone against Heaven, God would have castigated me for consorting with a creature of Earth. Human blood may course through my veins, but alongside it was God's own. We could have lived our lives together, but I would still have to leave her. If she had to suffer from my departure...

So I stopped. I threw away my feelings for her, and prepared to leave.

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I believe in you, even if no one understands

I went to her side, and gazed into her smooth face. I gently fixed her hair, making sure there was none on her face. So tranquil... Like always. Whatever she felt, she always had that gleam in her eyes, showing peace. So much peace. So much tranquility. No one could ever take that from her.

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I believe in you, and I really don't give a damn

I gazed into her face once again, and it made me want to get down on my knees. Someone who could be so peaceful, despite everything she had been through... I hardly deserved her. Not while I was at war, with myself and the world. Get down on my knees and curse the beings that deemed me unfit to have her.

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If we're stigmatized

I sighed. Staying longer would only make the parting hurt more. I slowly got to my feet.

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We live our lives on different sides

I took my coat and draped it on my shoulders.

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But we keep together, you and I

I felt for my sword, and took a deep breath. It was time. The sun was rising.

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We live our lives on different sides

I went to her side one last time.

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We gotta live our lives, gotta live our lives

I lowered my head to her face...

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We're gonna live our lives, we're gonna live our lives

And lightly kissed her cheek. She sighed and smiled, keeping her eyes closed all the while. Strangely enough, her cheek felt damp...

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Gonna live our lives

But I had no time to wonder why.

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Stigmatized

I smiled in resignation. Turning my back to her, I quietly left, leaving her and my feelings all behind.

A/N: Well, that's done. Messy, ne? Confusing, ne? BAD, NE? Ahem... It's been a month since I last wrote anything... Forgive me if you found it too mushy, Asahi DOES like her mush... Comments about the fic in your reviews please. Also, you can mail me at night_goddess4@yahoo.com if there's something you want to clarify or... Heck, mail me if you want to. Just don't expect me to reply soon. So... Ja! ^_^


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